How To Train Your Rukia
by Baxter54132
Summary: Part of the "How To.." Series. Ichigo see's the incredibly popular book written by Rukia, and he wants revenge. He writes up his own version, and after reading this, every Ichigo out there will have a completely obedient Rukia by their side. one-shot


This is the sequel to "How To Train Your Ichigo"

That story got a lot of positive feedback, and I figured Ichigo should get his chance to shine and get some rebuttal.

Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach, Ichigo and Rukia would have gotten together the moment they met! Unfortunately, this did not happen and I do not own Bleach.

Enjoy!

IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki

How To Train Your Rukia _(In response to the top seller, How to Train Your Ichigo)_

**Introduction:**

Let me explain to you how this book came to be. One day I was sitting in my room napping peacefully, when my annoying father burst in, babbling loudly about how successful Rukia is. Of course I merely rolled over and completely ignored the crazy man. He then dropped a book on my head, saying that it was the best thing he had ever read. This peaked my curiosity, so I checked out the book. I probably should have stopped when the title said, "How to Train Your Ichigo," but I was too curious.

Anyway, this is for all you Ichigo's (I didn't know there were more than just me) who have to put up with those damn Rukia's day in and day out.

**Chapter 1: How to Identify Your Rukia**

It's easy, if you look dead ahead you won't be able to find her because you have to look down in order to see her. Whenever you make a comment of any kind, you will be called an idiot, and you can't do anything right. If you try to save her from certain death, she won't thank you or even give you the time of day. The best way to identify her is by checking your ankles. If they have bruises on them, then you definitely have a Rukia. Also, if they sprayed you with skunk spray, tomato sauce works the best.

**Chapter 2: Telling Your Rukia No**

It is not as simple as it sounds. Your Rukia is going to come up to you, pull a cute face, and beg for something that she probably doesn't need, like a stupid Chappy plushie or the super special, and super expensive, gikongan container of a chappy bunny. Now I'm guessing you are completely whipped, but you need to start learning how to say no. First, raise your head so your not looking at her, then scowl deeply like your considering what she is asking. Scratch your hair and say, "I don't know Rukia…" She'll probably make a face and snap something about eye contact at you. Then just look back down at her and calmly tell her that if she really wants all that stuff, she's going to have to get a job.

I haven't perfected this section yet, so keep trying things out, and if you discover something that works, let me know.

**Chapter 3: How to Keep Males, (and some females) Away From Your Rukia**

You are a tall, intimidating guy, use it. When another guy walks up to your Rukia, just tower behind her and glare with all your might at the other guy. If this guy has red hair and creepy tattoos, just whip out your sword and kill him. Believe me, no one will miss him. As for girls, your Rukia shouldn't be into that kind of thing. She is into you isn't she? You have to be careful not to be too protective of your Rukia, or she will get mad. Also, her friends might start to question her, and she will take it out on you. This is from person experience.

**Chapter 4: How to Win Every Argument With Your Rukia**

I'm sure you and your Rukia argue a lot, and about everything and anything. Even if she is wrong, argue against it, it makes her mad, and she looks cute when she is mad. Don't just take my word for it, try it out. Anyway, you win if you get the last word in. Even if your Rukia is completely 100% correct, if you get the last word on the matter, you are a winner. If she says, "The grass is green," and your like, "No… the grass is brown," you would win if Rukia didn't respond. It means she is giving in to you. That's what Uryu told me anyway…

**Chapter 5: How to Get Your Rukia to do what you want**

I would say blackmail, but I'm afraid if I do a certain baby picture is going to end up on the internet. Damn… How about this, just tell her that if she doesn't do what you tell her to, you will never buy her anything chappy or bunny related ever again. I mean never, don't give in, if you look back at chapter 2, it will help you say no if the case arises. Your Rukia should love chappy like mine does, and she will give in and do whatever you desire. Also, if you have saved your Rukia from near death like I have, pulling the, you owe me for saving you, card works quite well.

**Chapter 6: How to Save Your Rukia from her creepy brother if he drags her off to some other world that you have never heard of in your life because she gave you some powers that you didn't realize she wasn't supposed to give you until about three weeks after the fact and now you have to drag your lazy butt off the couch to go save her.**

Firstly, you have to climb out of a huge pit with your arms tied behind your back, then you have to work with a talking cat. Then you run away from a monster that will disintegrate you if it catches you. Then you fall out of the sky. Then you fight some and launch yourself with a cannonball… the story goes on and on and on. Just ask your Rukia what she did the whole time. She did NOTHING. You did all that work, and she just sat around and thought about SOME OTHER GUY. Sorry, that still bothers me sometimes, moving on.

**Chapter 7: How to get Your Rukia into your pants**

Unlike in Rukia's book, I'm actually going to give you an answer.

Get her drunk -_^

**Conclusion**

You all better buy this book! I bet against Rukia that it would sell more than hers did, which is not impossible! Now that you have finished reading this, your Rukia should be the mirror image of perfect, if not, maybe buy another copy of this book, see if that helps.

One final note, If you see her reading, "How to Train Your Ichigo," Confiscate the book immediately and burn it. Those books are horrible!

-Ichigo Kurosaki

IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki

"Attention, breaking news. It has been announced that tall men with orange spiky hair all around the world have been seen burning books outside their homes. We do not know what this is about, but some have said that the book is, "How To Train Your Ichigo," by Rukia Kuchki. I haven't read this book, but if these guys are all burning it up, it must be good."

Ichigo flips off the tv, a smirk surfacing on his face. He glances over at Rukia, and she twitches in annoyance and shoots a glare at the smirking teen next to her. "Why…. Did you tell them to burn up my books?" She hisses angrily.

Ichigo chuckles, "Why not?"

"You are insufferable Ichigo," Rukia turns to huff out of the room, but stops at the door. "Did you hear about sales Ichigo? Mine sold 5 more than yours did."

Then Rukia is gone, and Ichigo just sighs and pulls out his phone to text Uryu, letting him know to buy 10 more books from the nearby store.

IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki IchiRuki

La la la la all done. Well what did you all think? Was this better or worse than the first one?

Here is the link for the community if you'd rather not file through my profile page but want to read the other part of the series.

www. fanfiction community /How_To_ Series_Collection /75354/

Just take out the spaces.

Please Review!


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